[Southside]

The Top Ten Ways To Tell You Have A Gambling Problem

1. You can't find the gas pedal in your car because the floorboard's covered with $30,000 in spent scratch tickets.
2. You make silent wagers with yourself on raindrops racing down the windshield.
3. You know you're only one win away from a life of luxury.
4. Guys from the track send you birthday cards.
5. You named your daughter "War Emblem."
6. If someone brings you water, you're capable of playing a single slot machine for 76 hours.
7. There doesn't seem to be any connection between that "lucky feeling" and the possibility of winning anything.
8. You ran out of chips, lost your car and shoes, and asked if you could get cash for your kidney.
9. You made a dealer in Vegas start crying after betting your first-born male child on a hand of blackjack.
10. You put your pension on the Red Sox to win the World Series.

 

[Southside]

Top Ten Signs The Case is Getting Thrown Out

1. Your warrant was signed by a guy at Taco Bell.
2. The arrestee is named Kennedy.
3. You recognize half the jury because you've arrested them on more than one occasion.
4. Judge's nickname - "The Dismissinator."
5. The defense has pictures of the Chinese food in the fridge at the crime lab.
6. Your probable cause is "a whiff of mischief in the autumn breeze."
7. He's a she.
8. There's audio tape of your partner saying "You have the right to howl in pain as I beat you without mercy."
9. Your main witness threw up exactly one pint of Schnapps on the way to the stand.
10. Johnny Cochran.

 

[Southside]

Top Ten Ways To Tell You Need To See A Psychiatrist

1. The squirrels in your yard are singing Whitney Houston songs.
2. You put five large on the Red Sox to win the world series.
3. You're upset that Steven Seagal has never won an Oscar for best actor.
4. You feel like you should probably blow up the mailbox on the corner because it's broad-casting your location to alien mercenaries.
5. The only thing you still enjoy is killing small animals.
6. You've agreed to clean up police corruption in Mexico City and you don't speak Spanish. (NYPD only.)
7. You're lonely because you ate all your friends.
8. It's for sure. Saddam Hussein is your UPS guy.
9. You bought the American Idol CD.
10. Court denies your request for a restraining order against one of your personalities

 

[Southside]

Top Ten Signs You're Gonna Need Backup

1. The suspect is wearing a welding mask and using a flame-thrower.
2. The disturbance you were called to is a wedding party for a family of Samoan sumo-wrestlers.
3. You get caught up in a shootout with aliens using photon torpedoes.
4. The home team won the championship.
5. The KKK got a permit to march on Martin Luther King Blvd. during Martin Luther King Day celebrations.
6. Environmental extremists spring 200,000 lemurs from a fur coat factory in your patrol area.
7. The chief has taken the mayor hostage.
8. Report of a bar brawl between NFL and NBA's largest superstars.
9. Tonya Harding.
10. Cable TV is out in your town.

 

[Southside]

Top Ten Realities of Life

1. By the time you get your head together, your body's shot to hell.
2. When you're finally holding all the cards, everyone decides to play chess.
3. If all is not lost, then where is it?
4. Everyone says you're absent-minded but you can't remember if it's true.
5. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
6. Children in the back seat of vehicles are a primary cause of accidents.
7. Accidents in the back seat are a primary cause of children.
8. There will be crappy weather the instant you go on vacation.
9. Working incredibly hard at something is no guarantee that anything will come of it.
10. Death, taxes, and the New York Yankees.

 

[Southside]

Ways Not To Start Your Report

1. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...
2. The names contained in this report have been changed to protect the innocent...
3. The mayor then made an illegal left hand turn onto Mulraney at which point I opened fire...
4. Before I get into the details, I've got a few "shout-outs" for my homeys in the command staff...
5. It was so dark and wet that night you could almost eat the mist. The radio call penetrated the eerie silence with such piercing intensity that for a moment, I was sure I'd lose my mind...
6. Got call. Responded. Arrested bad guy. The end...
7. Mye pertnar an eye wher on petrol wen we seen a man act suspishushly...
8. Let me just start by stressing the fact that at no point was I without my badge and gun, and the nudity was critical to establish a certain level of trust with the prostitutes...
9. The suspect then tried to assault me by repeatedly slamming his face into my fist.
10. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away

 

[Southside]

Ways to tell you're spending too much time on-line

1. You call your kids "What’s his face and the other one."
2. You’re skipping car payments to cover bills from AOL.
3. You’ve been to every web site on earth, twice.
4. You created a home page for your favorite shirt.
5. You get personal "Thank You" notes from Bill Gates.
6. You’ve got 54 hot and heavy romances going at once in chat rooms at federal prisons.
7. You have a Kevlar mouse pad.
8. Your modem melted.
9. When the guys ask you if you to "come out for a beer" you have no idea what they’re talking about.
10. You don't even look at TV anymore

 

[Southside]

Ways to Tell You Have Anger Management Issues

1. You have no citizen complaints in your file because they all died during the struggle.
2. It takes you twice as many drinks as shift-hours worked to unwind when the tour's over.
3. Everyone calls you "Hurricane Eddie."
4. You’ve been on the job two years and you’re on your eighth cruiser.
5. Your family sleeps in a treehouse in the backyard.
6. For some reason you are reading lots of books dealing with the construction of letter-bombs.
7. Crime rates in your patrol area mysteriously drop to zero during your working hours, while the baddest bad guys hide and whimper in their apartments.
8. You’re known as, "the guy who got into a fistfight with a Rottweiler and a pit bull."
9. Instead of counting to 10 when you get really mad, you have to count to 220,000.
10. Your evaluations suck, but somehow you're the only one the boss hasn't verbally assaulted over job performance.

 

[Southside]

Signs The Boss Is Over The Hill

1. He's always telling officers to watch out for Apaches.
2. Still bummed out about that whole Black Sox thing.
3. Sometimes gets confused at roll call and tries to thank the academy for his award.
4. Favorite drink? Mead.
5. Always going on about the time he got demoted for arresting a band of cattle rustlers without smoke-signaling for back-up.
6. Tries to pay for coffee with doubloons.
7. Sometimes wears underwear on the outside of his uniform.
8. Can never remember how many times he's seen Haley's comet.
9. The Museum of Natural History makes him homesick.
10. Grade school classmate of Dick Clark.