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Jon is right, it is an Urban Legend, but the sentiment is RIGHT ON!
The last quote was actually from one of his shows in March of 2002.
Here a re few other quips from the Liberal Funny Man...

"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?"
"The security at the Olympics was really good. But let's face it. It's the whitest state in the country. An Arab in Utah is like Al Sharpton in Idaho."
"Ever look at Congress and feel like the little kid in 'Sixth Sense?' I see dead people. I see dead people everywhere."
"It's great that we've got a compassionate conservative, but to me, that sounds like a Volvo with a gun rack."
"Ever notice that George Bush doesn't speak when Dick Cheney is drinking water? Do you realize we're only a heart attack away from Bush being president?"
"What did they put in those food packages to Afghanistan? Pop-Tarts and peanut butter. You put in a honey-baked ham and you've got a ******* Christmas."
"My only hope is when those terrorists get to heaven, they meet up with the kind of virgins we had in Catholic school: Sister Mike Ditka from our Mother of Eternal Retribution."
"When the Williams sisters play tennis, it gets pretty hot. When they start grunting, I'm in."
"My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins."
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