[Southside]

Man Falls Asleep At Church
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

 

[Southside]

The Test

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

 

[MVS]

The Church one had me rolling.. very funny!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[Southside]

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR PARTNER NEEDS A VACATION:

1) He keeps handcuffing himself by accident.

2) He is starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he arrested.

3) He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.

4) He talks to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop."

5) He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.

6) He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.

7) He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.

8 ) The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his hemorrhoids.

9) Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.

10) He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.

TOP TEN SIGNS THE POLICE CHIEF DOESN'T LIKE YOU:

1) He refers to you as "our mascot."

2) Instead of a gun, you were issued a water pistol.

3) Your locker is also the broom closet.

4) The job description in your contract includes "crash test dummy" and "pepper-spray test subject."

5) He sends you on drug raids - alone.

6) He always tells you that only wussies call for back-up.

7) He makes up "missing persons" and then sends you to look for them.

8 ) You always get the patrol car with the flat tire, no gas, a dead battery, and a broken air conditioner.

9) He lied to you about an "officer exchange program" and put you on a plane to Siberia.

10) He doesn't like to be seen with you in public

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN EXPOSED TO HAZARDOUS MATERIAL:

1) Two 18-wheelers collided. You arrive at the scene of the accident just in time to see the two drivers' bodies melt.

2) Your body hair is getting so coarse, it's starting to poke through your uniform.

3) You can predict the weather by the length of your bowel movements.

4) Instead of chocolate sprinkles, you ask for wood chips on your donuts.

5) You order raw meat at your favorite restaurant.

6) Your apartment is suddenly roach-free.

7) At night there's this eerie green glow - and it's you!

8 ) You start to generate electricity and sparks fly from your mouth when you drink water.

9) The tomatoes growing in your backyard are the size of pumpkins.

10) They transfer you to Area 51.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE OVERWORKED AND UNDERSTAFFED:

1) You haven't been home in three days.

2) You don't have time to take a shower, so you walk through a car wash on your beat.

3) Your social life consists of hanging out and chatting with the suspects in the holding cells.

4) Your love life consists of driving past your house flashing your spouse.

5) Your spouse does something to get arrested just to spend some time with you.

6) The stress is so bad that instead a breakfast cereal you have a bowl of Tums; and instead of milk, you pour Pepto Bismol on it.

7) For Thanksgiving you and your partner feed each other two turkey T.V. dinners, while one of you drives and the other one answers calls on the radio.

8 ) You try to request immediate back-up, but the dispatcher puts you on hold.

9) Misdemeanors are no longer a crime because there are not enough officers to respond.

10) The suspect in the holding cell lost 20 pounds because no one remembered to feed him.

Posted Mon Jun 14, 2004 10:27 pm:

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU DON'T HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A COP:

1) You need at least 8 hours of sleep every night.

2) Sirens give you a headache.

3) You can't drive really fast, check a license plate on your in-car computer, talk on the radio, and drink coffee, all at the same time.

4) When you see trouble brewing, your first reaction is to call 911.

5) When you get nervous, you have to pee, so you secretly wear adult diapers, just in case it's going to be a busy night.

6) You're being called for back-up, but you don't go because it's too dangerous.

7) At the scene of a riot, you refuse to get out of the car until the crowd thins out.

8 ) A woman gives birth in the street and you give her a ticket for littering.

9) You think frisking people and giving "mouth to mouth" to someone of your own gender is politically incorrect.

10) You're a bleeder and you faint at the sight of a papercut.

TOP TEN WARNING SIGNS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR K-9 PARTNER IS GETTING TOO INTIMATE:

1) Lunch usually consists of a pizza topped with one half meatballs and the other half kibble.

2) You demand your K-9 buddy get a locker, too.

3) In case there's an emergency, you carry a wee-wee pad wherever you go.

4) You get a kick out of asking him how his day was and he always answers "ruff."

5) He is the only one who laughs at your jokes.

6) Out of habit, you start scratching your spouse's belly during tender moments.

7) For Christmas you knit a little doggy uniform and buy doggy boots to keep his paws warm and dry.

8 ) For Valentine's Day you fill a heart-shaped box with doggy treats.

9) At training class, you pass him love notes under the desk.

10) You want to have his puppies.

 

[mpd61]

Church one had me on the ground! So did the cannibal one