Is this you??
Aries (March 21-April 20)
Aries people are dynamic, quick, original, energetic, innovative leaders who are
downright disgusting to be around. These are the first people bought joggers,
and actually jogged in them. They are the people who read the text in sex manuals.
And try to follow it by the numbers.
Aries are honest and direct, and quick to find a motel room when the boss's wife is horny.
This is the guy who gets the woman into the bedroom with a promise of 10 inches and 3
times, and turns out to have 3 inches, but does it 10 times.
The Aries affair usually gets pretty kinky, because with that limber body and great
stamina, they get bored with "the same old thing" every night. From woman-on-top
to shetland-pony-on-top is not a long leap for an Aries.
Taurus (April 21-May 21)
These people are earthy, natural, and have a direct approach to the opposite sex which
can only be called tactless. The typical Taurus pickup line is "wanna f*ck?"
The typical Taurus comeback to that line is "no, thanks, I already have one asshole in
But once a Taurus has his mind made up, there's no stopping him. He'll rent a $200-a-
night hotel room, and a $500-a-night whore, and pretend he is having fun. At least half
of Mastercard's business is done with Tauruses.
A Taurus doesn't do anything unless there's something to show for it.
Walk into even the most modest Taurus's home, and you'll see at least a whole wall of trophies.
Never mind that they are for "Most Improved Bowler" or "Third Place, Rhubarb Pies" or
"Fastest Sheep Catcher in Texas." It's the trophy that counts.
Tauruses tend toward all kinds of excesses. Food, booze, sex. In all cases, the Taurus
person will bite off more than he can chew. Impotence is a regular feature of a Taurus's
alleged love life.
Gemini (May 22-June 21)
Gemini are shizophrenic, unpredictable, incongruous and an enigma. Though they will
usually tell you one thing, and then go do something absolutely different, they are not
being two-faced. When Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they
do," he was probably looking at a gaggle of Gemini.
This means, of course, that most Gemini are gay. Gemini homes always have closets,
but it is often difficult to tell if they are coming in, or coming out of them. Or both. Two
Gemini men are walking down the street. The foxiest lady on earth walks by, and one of
them sighs. The other turns to him and says "Brucie! ShAme on you! What was that all
about?!!" And Brucie answers, "Oh, Ferdinand, she was so fabulous! And for the first
time in my life I wished I was a lesbian!"
Gemini also love to "chase someone till they're caught." Women, especially, love to
pricktease, and then when the guy falls all over them drooling, she'll *forget* she was
ever remotely interested. Bitch.
However, Geminis tend to be very naive and gullible,
so they are easily taken advantage of, especially by children.
Most Gemini parents think that the new kid's fad is to sniff
powder sugar. Geminis' children buy lots of insulin syringes for diabetic aunts, even
when neither of their parents have sisters.
Cancer (June 22-July 23)
This sign produces the greatest mothers of all the zodiac. Cancers live for their homes
and families. While the spouse is in a motel room with the secretary, the Cancer is
sitting at home, telling the kids how wonderful it is that dad stays late at the office to
earn more bread for the family home. Cancers get married. And fucked. And married.
And fucked. And married. But who's counting?
Cancers are pretty dull lovers. Foreplay to a Cancer man involves a kiss on the cheek.
Ask a Cancer woman what foreplay is, and she'll say "something they shout on a golf
course before they throw out the first ball." The phrase "wham, bam, thank you, mam"
was invented to describe a Cancer's honeymoon.
While they are pretty damned dull to others, Cancers have a good time, because they
live in a dream world. Walter Mitty was probably a Cancer.
Leo (July 24-August 23)
With great personal charm and animal magnetism, Leos don't have to be good-looking to
get some nookie. Leos are also romantic, which helps a lot in the free f*ck department.
However, all this charm is superficial, and though Leos make great one-night stands,
they usually flop as spouses.
An example might be of the Leo couple who wind up in a candle-lit honeymoon suite, and
she enters the bedroom in a classy lace nightie, and he slowly removes it, and kisses her
all over. But when they get into bed, all they can do is talk about how wonderful and
romantic they make each other feel. She's frigid and he can't get it up.
But on the brighter side, a Leo is a wonderful confidant, someone you can tell anything
to. A good shoulder to cry on. On the other hand, a Leo tends to let conceit and vanity
get in the way. They make great sales-people -- they can sell fishnet stockings to a
Leos, however, are themselves very trusting and generous. The phrases "The check is in
the mail", "I love you", and "I won't c*m in your mouth" are all on the Top 10 Phrases to
save for Leos.
Virgo (August 24-September 23)
A true horror in the sexual zodiac, Virgos are the only people who can become
prostitutes and still claim to be virgins. A Virgo tends toward a practical and realistic
attitude towards sex, so this little pun is not at all far-fetched.
A Virgo will, for instance, ask $50 for a blowjob, $75 if you c*m in his/her mouth, or $20 a minute,
whichever "comes" first. People born under this sign can be witty, articulate,
charming, and 'lives of the party', but they usually f*ck it up by hiding their emotions.
Virgos are the kind of people who put sanitized toilet seat covers down on a clean motel
john. They are the kind of people who insist on using the unopened tube of K-Y.
If the condom isn't vacuum-sealed, they won't go near it. And complete showers,
if not disinfected baths, are required both before and after. And if you even touch
a Virgos asshole, kiss your tryst goodbye.
Libra (September 24-October 23)
Libras are anal retentives whose sole purpose in life is to be right all the time.
They respond to admiration, praise and flattery, but only for a couple of seconds at
Libras love living in style, especially if they cannot afford it. Show me a bitch who won't
f*ck until she's had jewelry, candlelight dinners in expensive restaurants & satin sheets,
and I'll show you a loose Libra. To them, sex is something animals do. Of course that
may be why they lead their spouses around on a leash.
Hobbies Libras love include interior decoration (when someone else is paying for it),
fashion, needlework (including voodoo), listening to art shows, and watching concerts.
Opera fans are almost always Libras.
These people will do almost anything for peace and harmony. The way to drive a Libra
ape-shit is to say "fuck me or I'll play loud punk rock music." Along those lines, Libras
make the best hostages. Unfortunately, many of them also become cops. Nightsticks
make a well-behaved lover.
Scorpio (October 24-November 22)
Scorpios are the most highly sexed of all the signs of the zodiac. Dynamic, passionate &
aggressive, a Scorpios first date with someone normally ends in rape. The back seat is
where he/she makes his/her moves. The trunk is where he/she keeps your EX...and
his/her "toys". Because of their obnoxious behavior, Scorpios are often challenged to
duels. Their choice of weapons is usually a tactical nuclear device at 30 paces.
Scorpios are prone to excesses: booze, drugs, sex, bad puns, etc. They usually exploit
the weaknesses of others, who fall victim to their capacity for total lust & sexual
abberation. In youth, Scorpios hide in locker rooms of the opposite sex, waiting for just
one person to remain. In adulthood, they hide in dark alleys.
Charles Manson is a Scorpio.
Scorpios posess great intellectual curiosity & creative talent. They think they are rebels
& are arrogant, proud, conceited, and worth every penny of it. Despite all these
shortcomings, they make loyal & devoted marriage partners, at least for the first 5
minutes. After that, it just depends on what catches their eye. Scorpios always want
what they can't have, and generally manage to get it...sometimes legally.
Scorpios are held in awe by their enemies & are admired passionately by their
friends...both of them. And Scorpios return that loyalty...until someone says "Good
Morning" to them in a funny tone of voice. Scorpios fear nothing
Sagittarius (November 23-December 21)
Their positive, optimistic enthusiasm for life makes these people f*cking disgusting.
They are a delight to be with, the life of the party, and are never a burdon to their
friends, letting the woes of life roll off of them. Pretty nauseating.
A good sense of humor, warmth, romance and being a good fuck are also attributes of
the Sag. So with all this going for them, what ever could they do wrong? Well, sad but
married, and married, and married, and never get carried away.
They dislike being tied down, and hate to even talk about it. A single Sagittarius is
charming, but a married one is an obnoxious flirt who would sell his/her spouse for a roll in
the hay with a new young stag/broad. And it often works out that way.
Sags also have a great temper. A Sagittarius couple is about as amusing a thought as
marrying a Jewish American Princess to the leader of the PLO.
Capricorn (December 22-January 20)
Class. That's what Capricorns have. Not much sensuality, hardly ever fun to be with, but
lots of class. They tend to look taller than they really are, and, speaking of which,
Capricorn men always seem to have 10 inches, even if they really only have 3.
Of course, most of it is facade, and deep down inside they are really conservative, tight-
assed cowards...with class. These are the true snots of the world. But they make good
supportive wives....especially the men.
Often self-conscious, and overly concerned with what other people think of them,
Capricorns can be a real pain. They are much more interested in appearances than any
other sign. But if you cross them, they don't get angry, they don't get even. They just
turn their internal thermostat down about 100 degrees when they see you. Women who
marry a Capricorn, and flirt, end up with a pussy full of cocksicle.
Most horoscopes claim that Capricorns can be the most passionate lovers in the Zodiac
when they lose their inhibitions, but since they rarely touch drugs, this almost never
Aquarius (January 21-February 19)
Charming, exciting, completely unpredictable and among the most original, inventive
and complex people in the zodiac, Aquarians f*ck like rabbits. The Kama Sutra was
probably first used as an elementary school coloring book for Aquarius kids.
Though they are intuitive dreamers, they also have a sharp analytical perception. Thus,
they can dream of a new sexual position and immediately know if it is a physical
possibility. Advances in civilization, science, and new inventions are a special interest
to this sign. Most sex aids were invented by Aquarians.
Generous to a fault, it was an Aquarius who invented the "pity f*ck." Someone having a
rough time? Well, fuck 'em! Literally! It'll cheer him up, at least. Of course, when an
Aquarius screws you, you may walk bowlegged for months. It depends on how many
positions, "toys" and hours the session lasts.
On the dark side, an Aquarius is a free spirit who doesn't give a shit for other people's
opinions. At times they are careless, slovenly and absent-minded. Even odoriferous.
People of this sign are the most likely to have fleas, lice, herpes and VD. And pass them
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
These wishy-washy nerds are the most sexually inept of all the signs. Pisces can't get it
up, and Pisces women have pussies that are as wet and wide as the Mississippi. They
often marry each other, which shows what nerds they really are. And of course they
deserve each other. And it keeps the world fun for the rest of us.
The constellation under which they are born is sometimes called the "armpit of the
zodiac", and it seems to rub off. There isn't enough Old Spice in the universe to solve
There isn't really much more to say about Pisces people. Except that creativity is often
achieved through deprivation, and as a result, some of the most expressive artists were born Pisceans.