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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
> things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
> published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
> these exchanges were actually taking place.
>
>


Q: Are you sexually active?
> A: No, I just lie there.
> _________________________________
>
> Q: What is your date of birth?
> A: July 15th.
> Q: What year?
> A: Every year.
> __________________________________
>
> Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> __________________________________
>
> Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
> A: Yes.
> Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> A: I forget.
> Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've
>forgotten?
> _____________________________________
>
> Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
> A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
> Q: How long has he lived with you?
> A: Forty-five years.
> _____________________________________
>
> Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
> that morning?
> A: He said, "Where am I. Doris?"
> Q: And why did that upset you?
> A: My name is Susan.
> ______________________________________
>
> Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
> occult?
> A: We both do.
> Q: Voodoo?
> A: We do.
> Q: You do?
> A: Yes, voodoo.
> ______________________________________
>
> Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
> doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> ___________________________________
>
> Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
> A: He's twenty
> _____________________________________
>
> Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> ______________________________________
>
> Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> A: Yes.
> Q: And what were you doing at that time?
> ______________________________________
>
> Q: She had three children, right?
> A: Yes.
> Q: How many were boys?
> A: None.
> Q: Were there any girls?
> ______________________________________
>
> Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
> A: By death.
> Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
> ______________________________________
>
> Q: Can you describe the individual?
> A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> Q: Was this a male or a female?
> ______________________________________
>
> Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
> which I sent to your attorney?
> A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> ______________________________________
>
> Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
> A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
> ______________________________________
>
> Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
> Aral.
> ______________________________________
>
> Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
> A: No, he was laying on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
> ______________________________________
>
> Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> ______________________________________
>
> AND TO SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST!!!!!!
>
> Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
> A: No.
> Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
> A: No.
> Q: Did you check for breathing?
> A: No.
> Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
> autopsy?
> A: No.
> Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
> A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
> somewhere
 

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Czar of Cyncism and Satire
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I heard this one myself in BMC about 12 years ago. Still gets me to this day.

Lawyer; "Officer, what is your vocation?"

Officer; "First 2 weeks of every July, sir"
 

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These are all Awesome but this one is the best!

> Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the > body?
> A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
> A: No, he was laying on the table wondering why > I was doing an autopsy.


Scott :rock:
 
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