dating a LEO....

Discussion in 'Relationships & Family' started by SPQR, Oct 4, 2010.

  1. SPQR

    SPQR MassCops Member

    Im not quite sure where this thread is going to go but I figured I'd throw the subject out there anyway. seeing that dating and relationships can be a difficult world for a "normal" person, it can be even hairier for those of us in law enforcement. Having recently hit a bit of a speed bump in my current relationship caused by my sometimes crazy schedule, Ive realized that it's very difficult to make the sacrifices necessary to keep everyone happy. I've began to notice that a lot of women love the idea of dating a cop but fail to realize the difficulties involved. If anyone cares to put in their .02 it would be much appreciated and feel free to send me a PM if it is more appropriate. Thanks!
  2. Simon

    Simon Guest

    I'm very sorry you are just becoming aware of this.......
  3. SPQR

    SPQR MassCops Member

    haha yeah me too :tounge_smile:
  4. 263FPD

    263FPD Administrator Staff Member

    Try it when both you and your wife are cops. Two different schedules, days off rotating in opposite directions and three kids to boot. We make it work, but it ain't easy. My .02 on this, if she can't deal with it now then your relationship is doomed to fail. You can always try it out, but you may as well start your "Locker Fund" and your "Divorce attorney fund" right now. Save money early, save it often.
  5. Usa8235

    Usa8235 MassCops Member

    I agree with you...on all accounts..from what i have witnessed myself over 28 years(ack!) I have seen the girlies come and go and they do like the idea of dating LE, but have no clue what it should probably be up front RIGHT AWAY that your job is the priority and all that comes with it...night shift; details; working on Holidays, her birthday, working when she wants you to go to a cookout or event,,,or whatever.
    Its just a fact of your choice in job and there is nothing you can do about it...maybe it helps to date ladies who also work night shift (nurses?) as they would get not only the commitment involved but also the night;holiday ,etc shift...i was a children'shospital security guard and had no problem get it if you work the same type of hours..., also a daughter/sister , various family member of LE would get it too....Be really clear right up front before you get too involved...good luck on this..:smug:
  6. OCKS

    OCKS Subscribing Member

    There's a book I love A Cop that explains a lot of what we and our loved one go throught. Good read for anyone involved with a LEO
  7. Simon

    Simon Guest

    Got it right here. No, Gil, I'm not taking anymore pix for you. hahaha
  8. OfficerObie59

    OfficerObie59 Public Trough Feeder

    I think it has a lot to do with balancing expectations and making sure that they're realistic, as well as finding that one's personality doesn't go along with the job.

    Badgebunnies seem like fun (I wouldn't know), but have always seemed to me to also be both a professional liablity and a shallow foundation for a relationship. Then again, I don't think that meeting someone while your working (within ethical guidelines, of course) should be completely ruled out. I know a guy (a fellow MC member) who seemed to have a very happy, serious, long-term relationship with a girl he met a Marylous where he bought his coffee every morning. You never know.

    One thing I do believe is that there are no hard-and-fast rules. A wise cop once told me long before I got on that it's easier for couples to make it when the relationship begins when one is already been on the job. That way, expectations have never been any different. While that hasn't been my expierience, I have seen that play out over and over again.

    Mrs. Obie and I have been together since I was in High School and she was a college freshman. Granted we survived a deployment prior to my getting on, but in general, we both like and enjoy our private time apart from each other which has always seemed to help. In addition to the deployment and police career, we've endured both our college and post-grad educations and her legal career. It's not always easy, and I know for certain she dislikes the fact that I work mids by choice and I'm not home four out of six nights. Still, she knows the schedule is necessary for school and that I love the calls and comraderie of the shift.

    The other thing I would suggest considering is striking the balance you want and that is necessary for the mate you choose. If your girl needs attention and companionship, that's gonna dig into your wallet during earnings season when she wants to go out every Saturday and you want to take that midnight OT.

    A disclaimer: I'm probably the furthest thing from a casa nova and I DO NOT have any children. Just some different perspectives I've heard from different people submitted for your consideration.
  9. MassCops Member

    As the wife of a LEO, I'll add my .02 here. I met my hubby when he was already a LEO, but at the time we met (right after 9/11) he was activated w/ the Natl Guard. SO I only knew him w/ a job that he had to be 100% committed to. I knew I could not be his #1 all the time, whenever it suited me. That still rings true on the job, and we make it work. His schedule is not always my ideal, he does get stuck working days and times when we (me and our 2 kids) would rather have him home... But it's his job. And it's not JUST his job, but it's who he is. I fell in love and married him b/c he is, among other things, strong, capable, responsible, has good work ethic, and is good at what he does. If he didn't do his job whole-heartedly, then he wouldn't be the man I fell in love with. I knew from day 1 what his career was, and I knew it would take some sacrifice from me, and I was ready for it. I would never ever ask him to change it, because if he did, he would only resent me. Honestly, if you really love someone, you find ways to make it work. Sometimes it's difficult, sometimes it's easy, but it depends on how committed you are. If a girl wants to date a LEO just to date a LEO, then she's probably not going to stick around for the long haul. And if you love your job, then you're better off if she doesn't stick around. Who needs the drama w/ all the crap you already deal with?

    P.S. I make sure my hubby knows every day that I only married him b/c of how sexy he looks in his uniform. :wink_smile:
  10. Nuke_TRT

    Nuke_TRT Stirrer of the Pot

    All I can say is nurses. :smug:
  11. mtc

    mtc High Priestess Staff Member

    The non LEO person needs to understand up front that the job isn't necessarily a priority over them, but that they are "essential" personel - and sometimes things happen that you cannot avoid - forced OT, court, incidents at the end of shift that tie over into the next... and such.

    To make plans, and always have them on the contingent that you **may** not be able to get home in time to go must be frustrating.

    Then there's the emotional aspect of the officers' job - to have a horrible tragedy to deal with at the end of your shift probably doesn't lend to a happy cookout when you get home.

    Then as officers spend more time "on" like Deuce - they seem to be 'cold' to the average civilian - when in fact it's merely a mental protection - "These things happen - it's not me".

    This would be why I keep telling a certain friend that he needs to shop for a girlfriend OUTSIDE of law enforcement... like at college... or the dog pound...

    Lose the "I'm a cop - love me" thing.
  12. SPQR

    SPQR MassCops Member

    thanks for your help everyone...nice to get some opinions from those of you who have experience in this area.
  13. Tuna

    Tuna Always entertained

    I don't know the exact figures but I'm sure the LE occupation is in the top 5% of divorces. It sucks but shift work, 60 hour work weeks, working weekends, holidays and other times when the rest of the world is on vacation, rough days, and horific scenes seem to take it's toll on relationships. Good luck with yours
  14. Mad-Dog24

    Mad-Dog24 MassCops Member

    I just usually tell the ladies I train the penguins at the aquarium. Works every time......
  15. jettsixx

    jettsixx Had enough

    In addition to what 263 says, I would say marry her and then find another on the side so your ready when the eventual divorce happens. Then marry that one and find another etc etc. After a few of those you will be so broke that no woman will even want to talk to you.

    Seriously though I would say communicate be upfront about everything and dont sugar coat anything.
  16. firefighter39

    firefighter39 Subscribing Member

    I know I am going to catch a lot of crap, but here goes. Take the fire test, if your motivation for being a cop is helping people than you can get that fulfilment very easily as a firefighter.
    The hours are a lot better, yes the 24 hour shifts suck, but the 5 days off more than make up for it. As far as pay you'll make out just as good if not better. Good news too, if your time asa cop will transfer over in the retirment system so you won't loose out on your pension.
    Your also not always "on" If I go out somewhere and some idiot is smoking dope or doing something stupid I can just walk away and not worry about it.
  17. jettsixx

    jettsixx Had enough

    I really cant give you crap for that FF39, your hours are better and the public loves you for the most part.

    So you cant handle being a PO either on duty or off then yes take the fire exam.
  18. GARDA

    GARDA Subscribing Member

    My experience has led me to believe that a good existing relationship prior to appointment as a P.O. is not a bad thing.

    Almost twenty-years later, my wife and I met when I was working private security at night in Boston.

    Our marriage, two children, and a dream job later... started-out with the two of us spelling-out, and then working-out, our plans to do X, Y, and Z in this lifetime... TOGETHER.

    Luckily, the current and hopefully future Mrs. GARDA and I have been in-tune so-to-speak (for better or for worse), and well, the rest is just a side show. :rolleyes:

    SPQR, regardless of your station in life, follow your instincts.

    "A soul mate is someone to whom we feel profoundly connected, as though the communicating and communing that take place between us were not the product of intentional efforts, but rather a divine grace."
  19. 5-0

    5-0 Guest

    Peanut Butter and JELLY ;)
  20. USMCMP5811

    USMCMP5811 Administrator Staff Member


    believe this should be required reading in the academy both for the officer and their significant other....

    [ame=] I Love a Cop, Revised Edition: What Police Families Need to Know (9781593853532): Ellen Kirschman PhD: Books[/ame]
  21. firefighter39

    firefighter39 Subscribing Member

    Don't forget that it is just a job, not a life style. Too many guys (police, fire, ems) forget that it is just a job and take way too much of it home.
  22. MSP75

    MSP75 Guest

    I'll have to disagree. Many enlist in the military or become LEOs because of who they are. They are the sheepdogs. The public and job management may seem like they hate us, but we are born to protect and hunger for the thrill. Why would any of us do a job that could cost us our life (for an ignorant public) if it wasn't in our blood? And to get back on subject, thank God there are loved ones who stick with us through all the crap.

    Sent from my Droid Incredible using Tapatalk.
  23. dave7336

    dave7336 MassCops Member

    Just find a girl you hate, buy her a house, get it over with and then move on with your life....problem solved
  24. mtc

    mtc High Priestess Staff Member

    Going to have to bite my tongue and go with FF39 on this one - while yes it's in the blood per say, part of the personality - there HAS to be the "shut off" switch - where you let the "rest" of yourself out in your off time.

    I firmly believe you can be a good cop, and a good friend/husband/daddy/wife/mommy/neighbor/son/daughter/etc.

    **disclaimer - I've never dated a cop
    (their wives wouldn't sign the permission slips!)
  25. jettsixx

    jettsixx Had enough

    I agree mtc, you do need time to yourself and yes it is a job. However the off switch is very hard to do. Even on vacation no matter where you are, you see places and people differently than those that are not on the job. So while I agree with you and FF39 I also agree with MSP75 both valid points.

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