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Main Page 10 rules for dating my daughter
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Posted by: USMCMP5811

Rules For Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Posted by: badogg88

My cousin just had a baby girl, my mom found this when she was born and printed it off for him. They're pretty funny, and the rules that my dad has always lived by.

Posted by: RPD931

Of course, cleaning your gun when they visit can help too

or-
use my favorite line when someone says "He tried to kill me"... my reply: " I never killed anyone... although there is that one guy in the Intensive Care Unit, but the Doc's say he'll pull through"

.. thats gotten a few wide-eyed shocked looks.

Posted by: Foxracingmtnridr

This is what I will live by when I have a daughter.

I saw this a while back and I was like hey that's me

Scott

Posted by: DoD102

Oh man, this is priceless!! I have a 21 y/o daughter who is dating this kid from California. He's a good kid but kinda, let me see how I can put this nicely, STUPID! Just from time to time, like every time he's at the house. I am printing this out to give to him. AWESOME!

Thanks USMCMP5811. Of course I'm not sure how my daughter will take this. Oh well, she'll get over it. That's if she still wants a roof over her head and food on her plate!!!

Posted by: kttref

My dad lived by that...and the following:

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, driving record, lineage, and current certified medical report (including drug tests) from your doctor.

1. NAME _______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ______________________

2. HEIGHT ______________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q ___________ G.P.A.______________

3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ DRIVERS LICENSE # ________________________

4. BOY SCOUT RANK______________________________________________ ____________

5. HOME ADDRESS ____________________ CITY/STATE ____________ ZIP ____________

6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? __________________________________

If No, EXPLAIN __________________________________________________ ___________

7. Number of years your parents have been married ___________________________________

8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? _______ A waterbed? ____________

Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or a tattoo? ________________________

(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)

9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you? _________________________________

__________________________________________________ ________________________

10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?

__________________________________________________ _________________________

__________________________________________________ _________________________

11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you? __________________________________________________ __________________________

__________________________________________________ __________________________

12. Church you attend _________________ How often do you attend ________________________

13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? __________________________________________________ __________________________

14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone -ever- I promise.)

a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is ________________________

b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ______________________________

c) A woman's place is in the __________________________________________________ ____

d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is ___________________________

e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is ___________________________

(NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head low.
Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)

15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ___________________________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.

________________________________________
Signature (That means sign your name)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If you do attempt any communication before your application is approved, automatic disqualification will result. If your application is rejected, two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases will notify you. (You might want to watch your back).

Do you still want to date my daughter?

_____ Yes, please accept my application

_____ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house...

My dad also thought it was cool to show all my male friends his Russian 9mm. It didn't work on my husband though, since he's a cop and appreciates guns! :P

Posted by: dfc2502

Thank you, all
This information will be put to use post hast!

Posted by: DoD102

Awesome!!

I'm using the application too.

Posted by: PMC810

Thanks for the heads up. I have a two yr old and I printed out all of this I am sure that I'll use it! That and cleaning al of my guns every time the shit bag guys come over later in her life..... Once again good work

Posted by: VAP1773

The difference between having a son and having a daughter, with a son you only have to worry about one dick, with a daughter you have to worry about all the dicks. Glad I have a son, I remember what a dick I was

Posted by: Irish Wampanoag

If I had a daughter I would go by 1 simple rule

Golden Rule: as follows
If I ever see you with my daughter I will shoot you dead. My daughter is going to become a nun and is going into the convent when she turns 18.

I guess thats why god only gave me only boys!!!!

Posted by: mpd61

Quote:

Originally Posted by Irish Wampanoag";p=&quot

If I had a daughter I would go by 1 simple rule

Golden Rule: as follows
If I ever see you with my daughter I will shoot you dead. My daughter is going to become a nun and is going into the convent when she turns 18.

I guess thats why god only gave me only boys!!!!

Hee Hee!!!!!!
They'll take em @ 17 with Parents permission. And remember to tell your boys to "wrap em up"

Posted by: USMCMP5811

Quote:

Originally Posted by sarge439";p=&quot

Oh man, this is priceless!! I have a 21 y/o daughter who is dating this kid from California. He's a good kid but kinda, let me see how I can put this nicely, STUPID! Just from time to time, like every time he's at the house. I am printing this out to give to him. AWESOME!

Thanks USMCMP5811. Of course I'm not sure how my daughter will take this. Oh well, she'll get over it. That's if she still wants a roof over her head and food on her plate!!!

Hey Sarge,

Is your daughter still living at home now?

Posted by: kttref

Quote:

Originally Posted by USMCMP5811";p=&quot

Hey Sarge,

Is your daughter still living at home now?

We have got to find you a girlfriend

Posted by: USMCMP5811

Quote:

Originally Posted by kttref";p=&quot

Quote:

Originally Posted by USMCMP5811";p=&quot

Hey Sarge,

Is your daughter still living at home now?

We have got to find you a girlfriend

Kate,

That wasn't the reason I was asking, I was wondering how she took the news. But now that you mention it, I have been single 2 monhs now.....

and I've seemed to somehow have lost my game.....

Posted by: kttref

2 months, my God that's horrible.....

Cry me a river

Some people like being single. I have a single friend, but everyones trying to hook her up with people...and she's sick of it. So I'm out of options...but we'll find you someone

Posted by: Officer Dunngeon

Quote:

Originally Posted by kttref";p=&quot

I have a single friend, but everyones trying to hook her up with people...and she's sick of it.

You're right, I am!

Posted by: USMCMP5811

Quote:

Originally Posted by Officer Dunngeon";p=&quot

Quote:

Originally Posted by kttref";p=&quot

I have a single friend, but everyones trying to hook her up with people...and she's sick of it.

You're right, I am!

Dunny, I'm not trying to hook you up with anyone

..........But ME!

Posted by: Officer Dunngeon

You'll have to try harder, man... where are those diamonds you promised me???

I'm beginning to think you're all talk...

To the all the dads of little girls out there: I am living proof of the hell you are to face in the future. My poor father still hasn't recovered, although his left eye doesn't twitch quite as much as it used to.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Posted by: USMCMP5811

Hey I asked you if you wanted to go get drunk and howl at the moon with me

I figgured we start of with banana daquiries and maybe I'd slip you an extra banana.

But, you never answerd me, not even for a rain check

pank:

Posted by: reno911_2004

Quote:

Originally Posted by USMCMP5811";p=&quot

Hey I asked you if you wanted to go get drunk and howl at the moon with me

I figgured we start of with banana daquiries and maybe I'd slip you an extra banana.

But, you never answerd me, not even for a rain check

pank:

Dude, you got all the lines! You the #1 Playa!

Posted by: kttref

See Dunny, I'm protecting you here..! Making sure you only get the best...haha I feel like a pimp...all dates with Dunny must be cleared with me first

I'll make sure only the best and brightest get through!

Ken - You need to get at the back of the line....There are plenty of people in front of you

Posted by: Officer Dunngeon

Quote:

Originally Posted by USMCMP5811";p=&quot

I figgured we start of with banana daquiries and maybe I'd slip you an extra banana.

Now what girl in her right mind could refuse an offer like that?

What a catch. I must be the luckiest girl in the world.

I really like Kate's idea... especially about having Ken dragged to the back of the line... and maybe having his fingers duct taped together so he can't type anymore!

Posted by: kttref

Alrighty, it's official....I am Dunny's pimp. All requests for dates must go through me....as of now Ken is going to stay single and love it at the back of the line...sorry little buckaroo, but it's just not your time yet. You and STM and Southside can enjoy some free emoticon beers at the back of the line...here you go boys:

Posted by: kttref

I would just like to point out how absolutly ridiculous this whole thread has gotten....I love it! Ok...time to go workout!

Posted by: USMCMP5811

Quote:

Originally Posted by Officer Dunngeon";p=&quot

I really like Kate's idea... especially about having Ken dragged to the back of the line... and maybe having his fingers duct taped together so he can't type anymore!

Dunny,

Saving the best for last are you?

And Duct tape?

I thought you liked scotch tape? :P i didn't realize you were into such heavy bondage

Quote:

Originally Posted by kttref";p=&quot

I would just like to point out how absolutly ridiculous this whole thread has gotten....I love it! Ok...time to go workout!

See Kate, this is a prime example of compleatly stupid useless posts that are fun :P :P :P :P
Great Stress relief

Quote:

Originally Posted by kttref";p=&quot

Alrighty, it's official....I am Dunny's pimp. All requests for dates must go through me....as of now Ken is going to stay single and love it at the back of the line...sorry little buckaroo, but it's just not your time yet. You and STM and Southside can enjoy some free emoticon beers at the back of the line...here you go boys:

Hey STM and Southside. I know a place where the beer is real and realy COLD

Posted by: kttref

Sounds like fighting words to me...!

Posted by: Officer Dunngeon

Quote:

Originally Posted by USMCMP5811";p=&quot

I thought you liked scotch tape? :P i didn't realize you were into such heavy bondage

(Kate, he's still typiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!)

Posted by: kttref

Man...this is funny.

Posted by: USMCMP5811

Quote:

Originally Posted by kttref";p=&quot

Sounds like fighting words to me...!

Fighting words?

Naaaaaaaa yould know if thay were fighting words. Kind of like sending me to the end of the line.... :no:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Officer Dunngeon";p=&quot

Quote:

Originally Posted by USMCMP5811";p=&quot

I thought you liked scotch tape? :P i didn't realize you were into such heavy bondage

(Kate, he's still typiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!)

Now Dunny, It will take a lot more than duct or scotch tape o keep me from typing. Remember, I'm a Marine. I Improvise, Adapt, and overcome.

Why would you want to tape my fingers up? you don't even know what I can do with those fingers yet...... \

Posted by: Officer Dunngeon

I bet you're a highly skilled nose picker!

Posted by: USMCMP5811

Hmmmmmm

mabe that's why my nostrils are so big.....

Nope not quite, Keep guessing.

Posted by: kttref

Ken - It's for your saftey that you're at the back of the line...trust me, some day you'll thank me!

Posted by: USMCMP5811

Quote:

Originally Posted by kttref";p=&quot

Ken - It's for your saftey that you're at the back of the line...trust me, some day you'll thank me!

Isn't that what Michael Jackson said to all those little boys. " You'll thank me some day, Just trust me"

Posted by: kttref

Haha probably....but the big difference here, is I'm not skeevy.

Posted by: JMJ

When people ask me why I have guns, I just say "Because I have a daughter."

And when my daughter is old enough to know about them and asks me why I have them, I'll say "To protect you from boys like me, honey."

Anyone see the "Blue Collar Comedy Tour"? Remember Bill Engval's line about his dauther dating?

"Boy, look at me when I'm talking to you. You see that beautiful little girl? That's my only daughter, my pride and joy. You remember son, if you hurt one hair on her head, I'm not afraid to go back to prison."

Now that is a great line

Posted by: kttref

Quote:

Originally Posted by JMJ";p=&quot

When people ask me why I have guns, I just say "Because I have a daughter."

And when my daughter is old enough to know about them and asks me why I have them, I'll say "To protect you from boys like me, honey."

Bill Engval is pretty funny for a southern boy in LA....Regardless, I really thought only my granfather and father were the only two to pull out the guns on boys that were brought home. Of course, no one did that to my sisters boyfriends...probably because they were all wusses....but I really thought I just had a crazy family. Now I know differently!

Posted by: JMJ

Oh, I would never pull the gun on a boyfriend, I know better. But as others here have said, there's nothing wrong with having them out for a cleaning during pickup or dropoff time

my daughter is about to turn 6. The stress of having a girl will probably kill me by the time she starts dating anyway!

Quote:

Originally Posted by kttref";p=&quot

Quote:

Originally Posted by JMJ";p=&quot

When people ask me why I have guns, I just say "Because I have a daughter."

And when my daughter is old enough to know about them and asks me why I have them, I'll say "To protect you from boys like me, honey."

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