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Main Page Best Lines from Police!
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Posted by: Mitpo62

You see this badge? It says "patrolman" not garbage man and I don't like the trash you're feeding me!

Posted by: OCKS

Do you know how I am? Are you alright? What? I though something was wrong because you don't know who you are.

Posted by: Delta784

After hearing bullshit excuse;

Why don't you take this pen and write "asshole" across my forehead, because apparently that's what you think of me.

Posted by: Danman

who are you?
Im the guy who does his job, You must be the other guy.

Posted by: Out2lunch

MEOW........ Yes Meow,,,, where are U going MEOW... MEOW should slow down......

Posted by: USMCTrooper

The night before a major snowstorm was expected a woman called and asked me:

"Hi, can you tell me what the road conditions will be like tomorrow?"

Hold on I will connect you with our crystal ball dept......

Posted by: Mitpo62

Put that gun down or you'll be having breakfast with Jesus!

Posted by: USMCTrooper

I have a gun....you're wearing sneakers. Do the math.

Posted by: Out2lunch

Yes Ms..*&^( the Fire Department will come out and get your cat out of the tree.... No Ms. *&^( We do not shoot cats out of the tree.....Nope not even big ones..... giggle giggle.... GOt to love the 80 y/o Q-tips

Posted by: USMCMP5811

Phone call from Lemming: My Power is out, when will it be back on......

Mam, you called the Police Department, Were Not the Power company. You need to call them

Lemming: So, aren't you people saposed to know everything? You are the police.

Your right mam, Your power will be back on yesterday, In fact yor car needs and oil change, Better call the Chimney sweeper to make that appointment.

Posted by: OldNancy

-M'am I observed you to be traveling over the posted speed limit on radar.
-I pay taxes, I pay your Salary!!
-M'am I pay taxes too, I'll tell you what this one's on me.

She was issued a citation for 90/17 shortly there after.

Posted by: Mitpo62

You'd be wise not mistake my kindness as a sign of weakness.

Posted by: topcop14

You have the right to remain silent; SO SHUT THE FUCK UP ! ! ! ! !

Posted by: Danman

lol

Posted by: HPD104

Female speeder- "But Sir! I thought Police didnt give tickets to beautiful woman?
Police Officer- "your exactly right Ma'am, i never give tickets to the beautful ones, now here's a citation for speeding, carefull pulling out"

Posted by: Irish Wampanoag

Taking a stolen car report a few years ago the young lady asked, after she filled out the report, what will happen next.

I told her if the police find the car they will call you?
She said what happens if the dont find the car?

I told her then we won't call you.

Posted by: Sully88

After putting his seatbelt on the trooper asks why he didn't have it on and he responded, "I did have it on sir." "Son I was born at night but not last night."

Posted by: lpwpd722

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mitpo62

You'd be wise not mistake my kindness as a sign of weakness.

I use that one alot

But you gotta love all the people who think we are the phone co, electric co, gas co, school dept, highway dept etc oh and the people who think we are animal control.

Posted by: OldNancy

Maybe we should get cruiser designs like this one?

Posted by: jettsixx

Stopped a guy for doin 53 in a 35 when i asked him why he was going so fast he told me that he was in a hurry, so i told him I would write as fast as i could.

Posted by: underdod47

While I check you for weapons your hands and the hood of the car are Husband and Wife If they separate without my permission it's going to be painful

Posted by: pahapoika

we had a inmate come in in awhile back and recongnized him as a "repeat' customer.

one of our guys is a real comic and decides to have some fun.

hey, weren't you released to the street ?
yah man , but your boys looked me up again.
what they get you for ?
man , they got me for smoking crack
crack ? that's like cocaine ?
yah man , but you smoke it.
well , could you crush it and sniff it ?
ya , i suppose you could.
ever get ahold of any bad crack ?
ya , some dudes will try and rip you off.

and the punch line

well , you better be careful , you wouldn't want to sniff any bad crack !

Posted by: Rock

What do Len Bias and Magic Johnson have in common?

They both got a hold of some bad crack!

Posted by: brk120

" I Have You, but I don't want you", "Help me Help you"

Posted by: Danman1116

I like when people ask you for a phone number to such and such a place, I tell them in the nicest way that this is the police, not 411

Posted by: chowder

Quote:

Originally Posted by topcop14

You have the right to remain silent; SO SHUT THE FUCK UP ! ! ! ! !

i've used that one. some ADAs got a kick out of when they heard it in the background of a OUI booking tape.

Posted by: alphadog1

When I first got on, my Sarge gave me some good advice:

"Fuck the public, they suck!"

Posted by: EBPD240

I have one from one of our old timers, since retired.

old lady calling: my cat is stuck up in a tree in my backyard..

old timer cop: yeah, you ever see any cat skeletons in tree's lady, then slams the phone down....classic.

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Posted by: sulldog6

While doing a detail at Whole Foods a pompous SOB marches in and asks me where are the eggs? I reply: usually under the chicken ass.

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Posted by: csauce777

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rock

What do Len Bias and Magic Johnson have in common?

They both got a hold of some bad crack!

Oh shit...lol

Posted by: Pacman

At a health food store in Newton. (We use each others Dept.'s to cover details)
Woman: Here you go officer (holding our her shopping bags)
Officer: What do you think I'm going to do with those?
Woman: Well obviously carry them to the car.
Officer: (Moments later after finishing laughing) Unless that's stolen property forget it.
Woman: (still not getting hint) The Newton officers do it. (she then hands him her keys and says...) Fine! Take these, go get the car and I'll hold the bags!!
Officer: (after accidently dropping keys in storm drain) Oops.

Posted by: K9Vinny

When someone asks me where I am from, or where I live, I tell them "Cat's Head". When they ask where that is, I tell them, " a foot from it's ass". Badaboom.

Posted by: OutOfManyOne

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pacman

At a health food store in Newton. (We use each others Dept.'s to cover details)
Woman: Here you go officer (holding our her shopping bags)
Officer: What do you think I'm going to do with those?
Woman: Well obviously carry them to the car.
Officer: (Moments later after finishing laughing) Unless that's stolen property forget it.
Woman: (still not getting hint) The Newton officers do it. (she then hands him her keys and says...) Fine! Take these, go get the car and I'll hold the bags!!
Officer: (after accidently dropping keys in storm drain) Oops.

You can't be serious.

Posted by: 40th MPOC#309

While backing up a great Patrolman from an adjoining town, I got a good laugh. He had the young drunk male motorist doing SFSTs. The kid was really nervous and was screwing up royally (he must have been a .16). My buddy told him-"SON,YOU NEED TO COAGULATE YOUR FECES!!!!" HA HA HA!!!!!

Posted by: mpd61

Quote:

Originally Posted by 40th MPOC#309

While backing up a great Patrolman from an adjoining town, I got a good laugh. He had the young drunk male motorist doing SFSTs. The kid was really nervous and was screwing up royally (he must have been a .16). My buddy told him-"SON,YOU NEED TO COAGULATE YOUR FECES!!!!" HA HA HA!!!!!

Dickie!

Love those WBPD guys, they always wave at me in the a.m. Were the HELL have you been sluggo

Posted by: Dr.Magoo

If you move I'll club you like a baby seal.

Posted by: EOD1

i followed a guy for about .25/mile at night- blue's and siren going (for 89/9)... low speed. I thought shit faced but the driving was to good for that. & when the guy finally stopped it was one of deval's complete law abiding undocumented workers. I asked him why he didn't stop at the stop sign or for me and he simply stated was "a porque o am mim supôs"("why am i supposed to"?) yeah "arrest" was checked on that cite 90/10.

Posted by: kttref

One night we recovered some yellow-ish liquid...no one knew what it was. One of our guys was sniffing it:
Off. 1 "Hey guys, what does this smell like to you"
Off. 2 "It smells like ass"
Off. 3 "Yeah dude that smells like ass"
Off. 1 "How the hell do you guys know what ass smells like"
Off. 2/3 "I dunno"
Lt "You dumb asses didn't really just sniff that unknown liquid did you?"
Off. 1/2/3 "Um...yeah"

I guess you just had to be there...but it was soooo funny.

Posted by: BPD142

My favorite is when Im doing a detail or at an mva scene and the nosey peepers have to slow down, stop, or walk over and ask "Whats going on?" I simply reply, "I dont know", and walk away. The looks on thier faces are priceless.

Posted by: no$.10

Heavy traffic at the state line when some motorist with out-of-state plates asks, "Hey, what's goin' on?"

Trooper doesn't miss a beat with his reply,

"We're setting up a toll booth."

I thought it was funny.

Posted by: NSWLaw

officer to the person he is patting down: Do you have any drugs, guns, bombs or bazooka's that I need to know about?

Posted by: dano448

As bad as my lot in life is, I stil don't answer to you!

Posted by: sulldog6

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:Â

16. You know, stop lights don't come any redder that the one you just went through.Â

15. Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.Â

14. If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.Â

13. If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.Â

12. Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.Â

11. You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?Â

10. Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will ! help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?Â

9. Warning!? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.Â

8. The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?Â

7. Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.

6. Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.Â

5. In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.Â

4. How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?Â

3. No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.Â

2. I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.

AND THE WINNER IS....Â

1. You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Posted by: TacEntry

"I'll have your job!!!"

-Well, I hope the uniform fits!

Posted by: SargeLorenzo

Best line I ever heard from an Officer: "I'm issuing you a written warning, there is no fine involved......."

Posted by: Trifecta

Sorry, to inconvienence you brother but I am a Deputy Sheriff.( this subject eagerly shows me his wallet badge). I asked, how long have you been a DS and he replied 8 years.

I then asked "What is your real job?". He stated "Sir?". I re-inquired, "YOUR REAL JOB!". He then replied "I am Blockbuster clerk". I conclude with, So your a part-time Deputy that works details and feels it is completely reasonable to travel 87 MPH in a 40 MPH zone. also when was the last time you worked a detail? He replied, "3 years ago"

With a smile I state:
"We do not stand on equal footing
20 Days Pay or Appeal"

Posted by: Mitpo62

You see this badge? It says "Policeman" not garbage man and I don't like the trash you're feeding me!

Posted by: Tuna

I was being backed up by 3 Brimfield bicycle patrolmen during a search of a MV, 3 different brand bikes. Joe citizen stops and asks why they are riding 3 diferent bikes and the officer says "We can't all fit on one" I almost pissed myself.

Posted by: jettsixx

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tuna

I was being backed up by 3 Brimfield bicycle patrolmen during a search of a MV, 3 different brand bikes. Joe citizen stops and asks why they are riding 3 diferent bikes and the officer says "We can't all fit on one" I almost pissed myself.

Im just curios, you had 3 Brimfield Officers on bicycles backing you up. I noticed your location was Billrica. Thats quite a ride for them isnt it?

Posted by: DJM1968

(One of the Sergants, upon finding a man & his "date", while said "date" was busy...ah, "playing the magic flute") "Get that out of your mouth! You don't know where it's been!"

Posted by: jettsixx

"Ya your're right you and I are different. Your're under arrest I'm not."

Posted by: Kilvinsky

Dealing with college kids can be especially fun since so many are so damn naive.

This works on lots of folks..."So, you want to play games? No problem, just remember, the rules are mostly in my favor and I'll get paid time and a half for court. If you really want to help fatten my paycheck, that would be very nice of you."

I love to use this one when a few of us are clearing a call: "Hey what's going on?" "Well, we THOUGHT we had Osama, but it turns out it was just some kid who really likes ZZ Top."

or..."Is everything alright?" "Sure. Nothing going on. Just be real careful when you go in so you don't slip on all that blood." and walk away. That few seconds of stunned silence is pure joy.

"Is that gun real?" "Nope, it shoots a sleep agent that slowly and painlessly puts the suspect to sleep so there's no need to hurt him." It's actually a bit scary how many will crinkle up their faces and say, "That's a wonderful idea."

"You're not a real cop?" "You got me, so don't forget to mention that at your arraignment tomorrow."

"Why are you harassing me?" "Why NOT you?"
or "You're here."

Quote:

Originally Posted by jettsixx

Stopped a guy for doin 53 in a 35 when i asked him why he was going so fast he told me that he was in a hurry, so i told him I would write as fast as i could.

I would have expected him to say he was dyslexic and thought he was going the speed limit.

I once read a GREAT book entitled "Midnights" about a guy who spent ONE year as a Wellfleet Police Officer. The Author (whose name is something like Alex Wilkenson) quotes one of the true life officers in his book as once saying "YOUR business is OUR business. OUR business is none of YOUR damn business." Should anyone care, once I find the book, I'll give you more info. It's a fantastic book with plenty of laughs and I swear I met one of the officers many years ago. It just didn't click who it was until hours later.

Anyway, enough said.

Posted by: redtargetarea

Your on a roadjob and traffic is messed up, and of course someone has to screw it up even more and ask for directions..the quick reply "Go down till you see the second to last light and take a left."

Posted by: The FNG

Heard this one the other day.

During a MV stop for tail light out, marijuana is found in the car.
When the driver is asked if he learned his lesson, he responds
"Don't drive around with weed"
to which the officer responded:
"How about not smoking it at all?!?"

Posted by: Q5-TPR

I think mine was on a 90/24. "How much you think you had to drink tonite"? "1 beer". "what it come in, a 55 gallon drum"?????

Posted by: afd414

One of our retired Sgt.'s had an mva involving an empty schoolbus in front of a church. After the nineteenth time the priest asked "when is this bus going to be moved", and got the reply of "as soon as the power company gets rid of the live wires all over it", the priest actually started to give the Sgt. a hard time. Finally the Sgt. turned around, red in the face, and said "You are the most difficult priest I have ever met".

Posted by: Hb13

Quote:

Originally Posted by USMCTrooper

The night before a major snowstorm was expected a woman called and asked me:

"Hi, can you tell me what the road conditions will be like tomorrow?"

Hold on I will connect you with our crystal ball dept......

Almost the same thing one night working 11-7, it was snowing like a bastard and someone called asking "How bad the snow is" i promptly said watch the tv, we aren't a weather station and hung up.

Posted by: Tuna

Quote:

Originally Posted by jettsixx

Im just curios, you had 3 Brimfield Officers on bicycles backing you up. I noticed your location was Billrica. Thats quite a ride for them isnt it?

Actually if you had read further you would have noted that my ocupation is EPO. I work all over the state. This particular day I was at the Brimfield Fair working a plain clothes gig. The subject, we were searching was trying to sell skeletal remains. I live in (Billrica) Billerica but don't usually work there. Oh ya, don't worry about the spelling that's what spell ck is for.

Posted by: Kilvinsky

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tuna

Oh ya, don't worry about the spelling that's what spell ck is for.

I love spell Czech. I just wish it werced beterrer.

Posted by: Tuna

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kilvinsky

I love spell Czech. I just wish it werced beterrer.

Posted by: kojack1

ha ha

Posted by: jettsixx

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tuna

Actually if you had read further you would have noted that my ocupation is EPO. The subject, we were searching was trying to sell skeletal remains.

Sorry about that I guess I missed the occupation. What ever happened with that idoit that was selling the body parts anyway. I had forgotten about that.

Posted by: Tuna

Quote:

Originally Posted by jettsixx

Sorry about that I guess I missed the occupation. What ever happened with that idoit that was selling the body parts anyway. I had forgotten about that.

I'm not sure where it went. We turned all evidence over to the Brimfield Chief for transport to the MSP lab. Brimfield was going to take the case. In all we had 3 different subjects selling parts along with the people selling guns, switchblades, other stuff under 269s12. Interesting day.

Posted by: Kilvinsky

I'll take a .45, a hunting knife and a liver to go please!

Oh, and if you got a TV in there, that and a lung would go great in my living room.

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