By Howie Carr
Boston Herald Columnist
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
You’re John Kerry, the least liked politician in America, and if it’s been a bad year for Republicans, it’s been even worse for gigolos.
Just ask Kevin Federline.
He feels your pain, ditto Mel Gibson and Kramer and Michael Vick. One mistake - one little botched joke - and all of a sudden they kick you down the stairs like you’re Ned Lamont.
According to this poll that you’re not paying any attention to whatsoever, Barack Obama is the second most popular politician in America, after Rudy Giuliani, who has terrible hair by the way.
Barack Obama! You’re John Kerry, number 20 out of 20, and you can’t believe it. You go to Amazon and you check out Barack’s new book and it’s No. 2. But hey, it just came out. How about that book of his from 2004, the same year you had your last book published. Obama’s 2004 book was titled “Dreams from My Father” and it’s No. 49.
You’re John Kerry and you punch in the title of your 2004 campaign opus, “A Call to Service,” and there it is, “only two copies left in stock,” and it ranks atNo. 396,338.
Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the Massachusetts politician with the best head of hair of all, and if you dare say Mitt Romney, (No. 13 on the list) you’ll be out on the sidewalk where the fire hydrant used to be, mirror.
You’re John Kerry, and in 1991 you voted against a war you should have voted for, and in 2003 you voted for a war you should have voted against, and isn’t that really worse than voting for the $87 billion before you voted against the $87 billion?
You’re John Kerry and you’ve been reading the columns and they’re trying to push you out the door, just as you knew they would, saying you have to decide - NOW! - whether you want to run for senator or president in 2008.
Like, you’re ever going to give up the title “Senator.” Every gigolo needs a title, whether it’s “count” or “duke” or “senator.” That’s what makes the wrinkly old rich widows swoon. You’ll spend every penny of your second wife’s first husband’s trust fund to hang onto that seat.
You’re John Kerry, and has everybody in the world got a new book out except you?
At least John Edwards, No. 8 on the list, is catching flak for signing copies of his new doorstopper at the big book-seller chains where the starting hourly wage is lower than it is at Wal-Mart.
And how is Edwards’ book, “Homes,” doing? You look it up on Amazon - ah, that’s better. No. 279. You feel better until you punch up your book, “The New War,” to see how that’s holding up, and it’s at 313,519 on Amazon.
You’re John Kerry, and Newt Gingrich is more popular than you. And Harry Reid. And Nancy Pelosi. And Joe Biden.
You go on Chris Wallace’s show, like Michael Richards did with Jesse Jackson, and you bare your soul about the botched joke, and nobody even notices, and Wallace doesn’t even say you’re “an enormously attractive guy,” the way he did with Romney.
You go to Danvers after the explosion, and now they’re all bent out of shape, too. Don’t they understand - you wanted a liveshot on the early news? They don’t call you “Live Shot” for nothing.
You’re John Kerry, and you want to prove you’re just a regular guy. Maybe it’s time to go huntin’ again. Stalk the elusive 12-point buck. Or maybe head up to Wal-Mart and endure the foul breath of the plebeians. Surely the butler knows where a Wal-Mart is. Can I get me a toaster oven here?
You’re John Kerry, persona non grata everywhere, and you feel like Winston Churchill in the 1930s. The Lion in Winter. Yeah, there’s the title for your next book - “The Gigolo in Winter.”
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