By Howie Carr
Boston Herald Columnist
Sunday, November 5, 2006
The Massachusetts congressional delegation would like to ask Sen. John Kerry a question:
How can we miss you when you won’t go away?
You see, there’s a whole other story involved in Gigolo John’s political suicide in Pasadena last week. For weeks, the persistent rumor had been that once the elections were over, Liveshot would announce that 1) he was officially running for president in 2008, and 2) he would not seek re-election to the Senate.
Nobody cared about 1) because a 2008 run would have obviously been his next “botched joke,” but 2) would have set off a stampede among the local solons.
Pre-Pasadena, there was another Kerry rumor making the rounds as well. It was less plausible - that he would immediately resign his Senate seat in order to show, as Bob Dole did in 1996, that he was very serious.
For the Bay State congressmen chomping at the bit to move up, the immediate resignation would have been the best outcome, because it would have triggered an election to fill the vacant seat within 180 days.
But then came Monday night and the “stuck in Iraq” crack.
Said one longtime acquaintance (the appropriate word, because Kerry has no real friends): “I’d almost feel sorry for him, if I didn’t know him so well.”
Poor Liveshot. All those wasted weekends in Iowa last summer, all those stupid blogs, sucking up to the moonbats - all for naught. What’s a gigolo to do?
Speaking of which, consider that famous pop standard, “Just A Gigolo.” The lesser-known first verse introduces someone very like Kerry - a Frenchman, a hero of the world who now hangs out in cafes wearing his medals, trolling for rich old ladies. But even as he is reporting for duty at the bistro, the gigolo sees the future.
“There will come a day/ Youth will pass away.”
That would be last week, when Jay Leno said a trick-or-treater showed up at his house with his foot in his mouth, and he knew immediately it was John Kerry. Then there was the cartoon in the Daily News: Kerry walking among flag-draped coffins, smiling, saying, “Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.”
“When the end comes I know/ They’ll say just a gigolo/ As life goes on without me.”
And it will. If only Liveshot hadn’t messed up everybody’s plans. Why do you think Rep. Marty Meehan rebuffed the national Democrats to kick in more dough for House challengers this fall? Meehan’s nickname is Midas, because he has $5 million in the bank and yet he’s been tossing around quarters like they were manhole covers.
That’s because Midas Meehan had heard the stories. He thought he was about to be in a statewide fight. Memo to Midas: feel free now to park that five mil in five-year CDs without worrying about paying the early-withdrawal penalty. You ain’t goin nowhere.
How about Steve Lynch? Kerry already made a fool of him once, back on Election Day 2004. A breathless Lynch rushed to announce he’d be having a press conference on Saturday morning at the Ironworkers hall to announce his candidacy for the Senate. A couple hours later, John had fallen a scant 3 million votes behind. Er, cancel the hall.
Now Kerry must seek re-election, because the alternative is being thrown out of all the Heinz mansions by Mama T. It wouldn’t be so bad, going back to sleeping in his car, but it’s a convertible. And by the time a Senate seat opens up, Gov. Deval Patrick will have grown tired of Sal DiMasi whispering in his ear about what a great deal Sonny McDonough’s kid can get him on a Mercury. Deval will inherit the seat, not Midas Meehan or Steve Lynch.
Cue up the Louis Prima as we bid farewell to a twit’s twit: “As he strolls by ladies hear him say/ If you admire me, hire me/ A gigolo who knew a better day.”
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