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Main Page 2003 Darwin Awards
(Click here to view the original thread on the MassCops Message Board)

Posted by: Opie

Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again.
You know about the Darwin Awards. It's an annual honor
given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service
by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke
machine which toppled over on top of him. As he was attempting
to tip a free soda out of it.

(Apologies in advance for the winning nominee at # 1)

And the nominees this year are:

9.) A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk
cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol,
mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made
him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This
resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both
him and his sister.

8.) A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his
home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately
6' 2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt,
white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig.
It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look.
He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister
removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of
the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube approx. 12"
long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into

his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation.

Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death
to the family very awkward.

7.) Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low
altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they
decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost
control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found
dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

6.) A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had
no details before arriving, except that someone had reported
that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer
found the man face down on the couch naked. When she rolled
him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR, she noticed burn
marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and
removed the man who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital.

The police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that
the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping
the couch over, they discovered what had caused his death.
Apparently, the man had a habit of putting his penis's between the
cushions, down into the hole and between two electrical sanders
(with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons). According
to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of
the sanders, electrocuting him.

5.) A 27 year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway
near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her
passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident,
this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not
for the fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her
Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food
as she drove along. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to

save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.

4.) A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead
after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot
railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food
worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end
around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake
Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael,
a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone
because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he
had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle
and the ground."

Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was
"Major trauma."

3.) A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that
he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the
rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards
candidate, was hospitalized.

2.) Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed
the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the
building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights,
power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians
from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building,
they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their
frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described
the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and
retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon
operation of the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse
exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was
found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched
by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast
had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

AND THE WINNER.....

1.) Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome,
Everett Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer
at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and
testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the
ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to
his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the
crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum place, thus wedging
them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed
his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch.
Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more
than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a
normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's
scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was
plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while
the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled

between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery
inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver
that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to
balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery,
and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.

NB: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't
die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his
qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.

Posted by:

Posted by: NACop

Quote:

Originally Posted by MPD64

5.) A 27 year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway
near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her
passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident,
this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not
for the fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her
Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food
as she drove along. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to

save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.

GREAT!
One less french ass on the planet!

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